If you want to bring her around I'll put the bang to her. 

On my sisters Asian boyfriend

Grandpa: What's his name?

Sister: John

Grandpa: His last name Lee? 

Sister: No but his last name's Liao

Grandpa: I knew there had to be a Lee in there somewhere. 

On blowjobs

You need to suck not blow Dar it's a figure of speech.

"You're flakier than a shithouse rat"

"Yeah my wrist is always tired. How do you think I got these bruises, I switch hands and they hit each other"

Grandpa: Why don't you carry this?
Grandma: I don't have enough arms.
Grandpa: You have enough mouth.

God your ornery today. You keep it up I'm going to give you a jab in the pooper.